Chapter 71: Disappointment.
In the very deepest part of the heart, the replica of the heart inside the brain, the destination of the five senses, the organ untouched by nerves, at the absolute bottom of that softest, most fragile, most precious feeling, something suddenly crushed it.
There was no pain.
Even the usual oppressive pressure from my father had fallen silent at this moment.
A flat, indifferent space pressed down on my shoulders, neither good nor bad.
The discomfort squeezing my chest, the cold sweat running down my back.
Just moments ago I had been a perfect spectator, yet now I couldn’t see anything objectively.
This suffocating anxiety pressing against my chest, people call it fear, I think.
If that’s true, then what exactly am I afraid of?
“We’re in different classes, but we’re the same year, and since he’s big sister’s friend, I’d love to talk to him more!”
“I… see…”
I’m sitting, yet the floor feels unsteady.
It’s as if the ground has vanished beneath me.
I can’t go anywhere.
I can’t escape.
That innocent smile facing me head-on is cornering me.
Breathing hurts.
My lungs won’t work properly.
My throat has narrowed; I can’t even swallow saliva.
The room spins, and everything in my vision distorts.
I understand that I’m not normal right now, but…
(Why…?)
Why am I this terrified?
Given Mary-June’s personality, the statement is perfectly natural.
A girl overflowing with universal love has a vast heart and wants to fill it with everything.
In the previous timeline, she had spoken to Yulan several times.
Their personalities didn’t mesh, and she never saw him as more than “Violet’s little brother,” but still.
Differences from last time are nothing new.
The moment Claudia apologized, I had braced myself for any change.
I’m not even surprised now.
In fact, this is still on the gentler side of what I expected.
So there’s no shock.
No panic.
Yet the terror clinging to me refuses to fade.
“By the way, lately I’ve been able to talk a little with the kids in my class too!”
Fortunately or unfortunately, Mary-June smoothly changed the subject and began chatting happily with our parents.
The three of them exchanging casual stories and smiles felt impossibly far away, like a scene viewed from the other side of the universe.
But to the current me, that distant world mattered far less than the emotions I could no longer control.
The terror that should have passed continued to burn itself into my brain.
× × × ×
“Lady Violet…”
“I’m sorry, Marin… I need to rest a little.”
“…Understood. Please call if you need anything.”
“Thank you.”
In the room after Marin left, only my ragged breathing was the only sound.
The irregular rhythm grated on my ears; the heart pounding too hard was unpleasant.
Again and again, that earlier terror replayed.
The face reflected in the dresser mirror looked ready to collapse at any moment.
My already pale skin had turned a ghastly color.
I had always been bloodless, but this was different.
Ashen.
My lips trembled faintly; my forehead still glistened with undried sweat.
I was terrified.
Something, something, was unbearably frightening.
The scene that should have ended still clung to me, refusing to let go.
(Mary-June… with Yulan…)
Mary-June smiling sweetly beside Yulan.
Two naturally affectionate people standing together would look perfectly natural.
They would surely keep smiling and talking… and becoming friends would be effortless.
Sharing the place that, until yesterday, had belonged to me.
“—!”
The chair scraped harshly against the floor.
I stood up so violently the vanity shook, but the sturdy piece didn’t even wobble.
The only thing that refused to settle was my heart.
The pressure crushing my chest.
The nausea that came with it.
Nothing was coming up my throat, yet something felt ready to spill over; I pressed a hand to my mouth on reflex.
Slowly, slowly, taking as much time as needed, I forced my breathing back to order.
I drew deep breaths through the gaps between my fingers, exhaling little by little.
To calm the brain that had been instantly dyed in panic.
To return my consciousness to something resembling normal.
I don’t know how long I kept doing that.
Seconds, minutes, perhaps far less than I thought.
To the current me, I no longer had the energy even to measure time.
Because the shock had been that great… and the disappointment in myself was that immense.
(Did I… want to monopolize him?
Yulan?)
The reason for that terror, the reason I felt such dread.
I was terrified of Yulan being with Mary-June.
The mere thought made me want to scream.
I didn’t want to see Yulan with anyone but me at his side.
Possessiveness.
“——!!”
A scream with no voice was crushed inside me and circulated through my body.
The fear of Mary-June vanished, replaced by nothing but disgust at myself.
I had sworn never to feel it again.
The desire that began everything and painted the ending black.
Because I wanted to monopolize love, to monopolize happiness, my world had twisted and fallen so far.
I was supposed to have learned my lesson.
My greed makes no one happy, not even myself.
That was why I decided to devote my life to God, yet…
(Of all people…)
The hand that had covered my mouth was now pressed to my forehead.
I raked my hair back roughly; a tongue-click I couldn’t hold back escaped.
My precious childhood friend who has adored me unchangingly since the day we met.
The boy like a cute little brother.
I thought I was happy just watching him grow.
I had never once thought I never wanted him taken away.
“…I’m sorry, Yulan.”
An apology no one would hear, not even the person it was meant for, and I myself didn’t understand what it truly meant.