Chapter 76: I’m the one who hurts, but you’re the one I want to protect.

Violet has always been catastrophically bad at avoiding people.
In a way that’s only natural; most of the time, people avoided her first.
Thinking about it that way makes it feel oddly complicated.
Yet somehow she has mastered the art of closing her heart.
Not exactly a life she wants to look back on.

Still, she does possess the bare-minimum skill to slip through interactions.
Empty her mind and let words slide past, or invent an excuse and flee; she’s switched between the two depending on time, place, and person.

But that was only possible because nothing mattered.

The content of their conversations, what they wanted to say, the impressions they held; none of it mattered.
The words people flung at her; claiming they were for her sake while speaking of her however they liked; had always been hollow.
So she could respond with equal emptiness.
She never truly talked with them, never felt the need to.

When the time came to face someone head-on,
when she didn’t want to hurt them,
when she genuinely wanted to meet them with sincerity;
she had never once thought about what to do.

“Vio-chan, I found you~”

“…Yu…lan.”

She doesn’t know how to protect this gentle smile.

×　×　×　×

She had felt, just a little, relieved.
Yulan hadn’t come looking for her all day after classes ended, so maybe she could avoid seeing him today.
Maybe by tomorrow she would be calm enough to face him properly.

Such absurdly optimistic thoughts had actually crossed her mind.

“…What’s wrong?”

“Eh… n-no, it’s nothing.”

A tiny moment of hesitation must have shown on her face.

It was surely a change so slight only Yulan would notice; a change she showed only in front of him.
That was exactly why she hadn’t wanted to meet him.

The mere thought made her want to throw up.

“And you, Yulan? Didn’t you have some reason for coming?”

“Hmm, well, not really a reason…”

She swallowed the discomfort that threatened to make her bite her lip, choosing her words with care as well as her expression.

The feeling she had forcibly recognized hadn’t been eradicated or removed.
She only knew it was there, watching it warily while frantically thinking of countermeasures.
If only she could rip it out and wipe it clean; but it had wormed its way into every crease of her brain, burrowed deep inside.

She had never imagined a day would come when being reflected in those eyes felt this terrifying.

“…As I thought.”

“…!”

She was too slow to react to the approaching fingertips.

A soft touch traced beneath her eyes; proof of just how much Yulan cared for her.
Was it faintly cool because his body temperature was low, or because her own eyes were burning?

“You didn’t sleep much last night, did you?”

The worry in his face hurt to look at; those fingers stroking her again and again felt unbearably good.

The face she had to look up at now was far from a child’s.
Yulan had graduated from being merely a cute boy; he had become a fully realized young man.
No longer just someone to be doted on; he had grown into a person capable of gently considering others.

That was surely something wonderful, something beautiful; proof that the adorable boy had become a splendid man.

It should have made her happy.

“Vio…chan…?”

“…!”

“What happened?”

The intent behind his words grew heavier; the question no longer carried a question mark.

Something had happened.
Something had happened to Violet.

She wasn’t surprised he noticed.
She was beyond surprise.
Her heart had no room left for such leisure.

“N-Nothing… I’m fine.”

One step back, and the warmth that had been touching her slipped away.

The smile she forced onto her face was surely hideous; she certainly didn’t look “fine.”
In truth, nothing was fine at all.
She didn’t even know what wasn’t fine.

“I’ll be late for my ride, so I have to go.”

“Eh, but—”

“See you, Yulan.”

She cut the conversation off by force; she had no time to worry about how unnatural it sounded.
She was aware of the gaze that seemed to want to say something, but she pretended not to see it and pushed the farewell onto him.
She knew how insincere it was toward Yulan, yet even so; she wanted to disappear from his presence even one second sooner.

She didn’t want to avoid him; truly, she wanted to turn around right now and rewind everything.

But she didn’t know what else to do.

She had been happy watching him grow, dreaming of the day she could watch his happiness from afar.
That meant, someday, Yulan would have someone precious to him.

She had always known that.

Yet the thought that this smile, this voice, these fingertips, this heart; might one day be given to someone other than Violet;
she didn’t want to imagine it.

She never wanted to realize she was like this.
She never wanted Yulan, of all people, to see this selfish desire inside her.