Chapter 70: Carbon Value.

Yet again, the paper-thin family gathering is suffocating.
Even if I’ve “gotten used to it,” that doesn’t mean the discomfort disappears.
I’ve simply established a method to endure it.

And today the air is thirty percent heavier than usual.
The pressure crushing my chest makes even the simple act of chewing and swallowing feel unbearably tedious.
This sensation… it’s a lot like heartburn.

“Are you listening, Violet?”

“…Yes.”

Even the tiniest escape into my own thoughts isn’t allowed.
Normally they wouldn’t notice anything I did, yet at times like this their eyes are annoyingly sharp.
There’s no need to wrap it in sugar anymore; honestly, it’s nothing but irritating.

I’m already facing him properly despite the repetitive nonsense; that alone should count as sincerity.
Yes, I’m letting it go in one ear and out the other, but I’m doing it after hearing it; that’s a huge concession compared to before.
Back then I snapped at every word, turning one scolding into three, returning five for every one, until it escalated into uncontrollable shouting matches.
The current me has neither the pointless energy nor stamina to start that kind of trouble.

“Good grief… Learn something from Mary. An older sister surpassed by her younger one; have you no shame?”

“I’m very sorry.”

If a flat, emotionless template is enough to satisfy him, sacrificing pride and self-worth is nothing.
My ego has been beaten to a pulp so many times that having it snapped again is well within expectations.
And once it snaps, everything else feels far away.
In a way, despair is comfortable; peaceful.
If I linger too long I’ll want to die, but if I patch it up before that, I’m fine.

It’s all right. I’ve always managed somehow.
Countless times I’ve been broken, crushed, even killed it myself.
Even if my heart dies, my pulse keeps going.
A little treatment and I can use it again, at the cost of a bit more feeling.

“Father, you mustn’t say it like that!”

Is there anyone in the world who could find menace in Mary-June’s puffed-up cheeks?
To Father, it’s probably nothing more than a kitten pawing at him.

Yet even that was enough to end the lecture.
He never notices the blood draining from my face, but one word from Mary-June and he instantly changes direction.
A refreshingly quick about-face.

Once that happens, I become nothing but air; no longer the oxygen they breathe in, but the carbon dioxide they exhale as waste.

The weight lifts from my shoulders, only to sink deeper into my stomach.
A common stress reaction, I suppose.

If only a hole would open up there, I could be excused from this farce.
But I’d just get scolded for worrying Mary-June or failing to manage myself.
If collapsing in bed were enough to make them change, Mother’s old strategy would have worked long ago.

“It must have been hard for your first exam.”

“I was so nervous, but it was fun!”

That sparkling, utterly innocent smile pierces straight through me without a shred of malice.

To call the thing I fought so desperately for “fun” is only possible because of her talent and her nature.
Pure geniuses really are the worst… or maybe it’s just Mary-June.

Standing behind me, Marin has long passed anger and now feels something closer to dread.
The daughter who never doubts her father’s love slaps a label of “it’s for your own good” on every unfair scolding I receive.

It’s the parents’ fault she’s this blind… but a dream-princess who refuses to see reality still makes me want to vomit.
She’s free to believe in the inherent goodness of people and universal love, but when that belief becomes a blindfold over Violet’s wounds, to Marin there is no greater evil.

If only Violet gave permission… no, even without it, she wants to beat this stupid, foolish parent–child trio until her hands go numb.
She restrains herself only because she knows they would never understand their own idiocy even then.

Some days she simply wishes they would die; those days have piled up for years.

“You did well. You’re our pride.”

“Thank you, Father! It’s all thanks to big sister!”

“——!”

The fork in my mouth clattered against my teeth with an ugly sound.
I somehow kept from choking, but the shock was still overwhelming.

When I looked up, Mary-June’s beaming smile met my eyes.
We really don’t look like sisters at all.
I can’t smile that openly, and above all, I have no desire to smile in this room.

“Thanks to studying with big sister and the others, I got amazing results!”

“…That’s good.”

“Yes!”

If I drag the conversation out, Father’s glare sharpens.
I can already picture the scolding for failing to say anything useful to Mary-June.
The only saving grace is that the moment the conversation stalls, she instantly switches back to our parents.

I was about to lower my gaze and return to eating… until the next words froze me with their unexpectedness.

“And Yulan-kun is so smart! He took first place in our year!”

“…Eh?”

“I tried really hard, but I couldn’t beat him.”

Her cheerful voice reached my ears, but I had no capacity left to respond.
I had just been punched from a completely blind spot; all I could do was reel.

(First place… Yulan?)

I knew he was excellent, but I had never heard of him taking first before.
Last time; before the rewind; Mary-June had definitely been the undisputed top.

I already knew my memories were useless.
No matter how much I tried to stay uninvolved, the world wouldn’t allow it and made a commotion anyway.
Father was the worst offender, manufacturing smoke where there was no fire just to choke me.

So I had no intention of questioning the discrepancies… but I never imagined a result like this.

(…He really worked hard.)

The group study sessions.
The hours spent facing Claudia.
Time that wasn’t exactly Yulan’s strong suit had continued, yet everything had progressed far better than when it was just the two of us.
Everything except Yulan’s heart.

(I see… That’s good.)

I forced the corners of my mouth to stay still and kept a neutral expression.
Inside, flowers were dancing.
If anyone noticed, I could already imagine the verbal blades that would fly; praising the boy who beat Mary-June would earn me a roaring beating.

“…I see.”

Flatly, as if uninterested.
Too curt would displease Father, but right now I had to concentrate or my voice would crack with joy.
Fortunately Mary-June continued without noticing, and I escaped comment.

While letting her words pass through me and maintaining the posture of listening, my heart alone looked elsewhere.

I’m happy.
Happy as if it were my own achievement.

I would have preferred to hear it from him directly, but since I know now, maybe I’ll be the one to congratulate him first.
Yulan would probably come running, begging for praise, but once in a while it would be nice to beat him to it and shower him with compliments.

Warmth returned to my heart.
The frozen emotions gently thawed.
It felt as though Yulan had given me the strength to survive this room.

“—So I’d love to become even better friends with Yulan-kun!”

Until those words, which should have flowed away like everything else, sank heavily into my mind.